Murdered by Pessimism

Crying is not scary
Wrath is not scary
Depression is not scary
Showing no emotions is SCARY
It means your mind and soul gave up. It means they don’t know what do anymore. It feels like a breakdown is imminent and when that happens, it feels like you can never stand up again and pick up the debris to make yourself whole again.

I was a toddler back then when practicality and reality shoved right into my eyes. It was there all along and never left me behind;  streets, neighbors, small city, school and even in my family. Reality is my best friend and mediocrity is soon-to-be my wife.

Before graduating high school I was about to say goodbye to the City of Practicality and explore the City of Dreams. But financial dilemma hit me like a bullet and goes right deep through my hope. I said to my family, I can no longer be in these City of Practicality, I have a dream to chase. But unfortunately there was nothing I could do, they shoved the dilemma right into my soul.

Went to college still in the City of Practicality with the idea of Ms. Mediocrity is going to be my wife, I felt nauseous. I had enough so I told them I called the engagement off. I said to my family that after college I’m going to the City of Dreams and said I can’t live with her. I don’t wanna grow old with her. I’ve seen a lot of her and I’m scared. I’m scared that one day I might end up like them,  whining how life suck and being a bitch all the time. I don’t wanna envision myself drinking a cheap whiskey until dawn and asked everybody what the fuck I just did the other night.
I promised myself, even though I’m living in these practical and full of reality shit life, I’ll work my ass off so Ms. Mediocrity be turned off by me and stop chasing me. And so I did.

Graduated college, even though failed to be in the Dean’s List, still satisfied for emotionally and spiritually knowing I am more wiser and optimistic than those people giving their speeches on the stage. I was happy for my self proclaimed accomplishment. After the long hours of boring speeches and  clichéd quotes given up there, it finally ended. I kissed goodbye to school, to teachers, classmates, acquaintances, to this city and finally bid my good riddance to Ms. Mediocrity. However things doesn’t end like in the movies with rainbows and sunshine with unicorns dancing along the clouds,    -okay, I got to admit that as soon as I finally gave my goodbye flying kiss to Ms. Mediocrity, i felt that. But that euphoria was soon shrouded by thick dark mist and clouds. Making my way to the City of Dreams Distorted. But that doesn’t stop me, I made a plan and I must definitely pursue it. A day before I leave the city, a new enemy attacked me, it was more than anything I could ever think of it was so much stronger and darker than reality, it weakened my knees, made my eyes wet and red, it made my body shivered tremendously, but the most horrifying thing I felt was… NOTHING. I felt no emotions. As I was laying down on the floor, covered in darkness,  Negativity grin right at me
It made me sick, my soul is getting weaker, my vision slowly devours darkness and as my body truly gave up, the endless painful cycle of thought runs through my mind.                           Ms. Mediocrity is going to be my wife.