Day #13: What Are You Excited About?

This topic is completely vague. I mean maybe I am vague, maybe I am confusing, maybe I am complex. It’s sad to think that, as of now, I don’t feel anything. I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not inspired, I am not enthusiastic about anything and it’s quite scary to see yourself losing yourself. Maybe, I am just tired of being so optimistic that something great will magically appear in front of me and will change my life forever, maybe I am tired of doing everything yet getting absolutely nothing in return, maybe I am tired of waiting for something good to happen in my life.

It’s funny to see yourself, once optimistic, wallowing on mediocrity, wallowing on nothingness and just completely lay on bed of sadness and just live happily on dreams. It’s sad to realize that you’re only happy on daydreams, living in fantasy, living in something that consciously you know that isn’t going to happen to you.

When you reached a certain point in your life where everything doesn’t make you uncomfortable anymore is the most uncomfortable thing ever. It’s like you’re just breathing but not living, feels like you’re just eating for the sake of not dying, feels like you’re just waking up for 5 minutes then sleep again because you only enjoy life in your dreams, feels like you’re living but slowly decaying inside. I normally am a happy person inside, always looking forward to life, always looking at the big picture, always thinking things happen for a specific reason, always ALWAYS optimistic about everything, but I can only endure so much. I can’t go on forever thinking that this is happening because there’s a reason, I wish I know what the damn reason is so that I can find even a frail reason to push through.