Day#16: Something That You Miss

I kind of miss a lot of things; I miss going to class, I miss my childhood days where I don’t have to worry about anything, I miss running around and looking up at the moon and thinking he’s following me, I miss sneaking out in the afternoon when my mom always told me to have an afternoon nap, I miss laughing at cartoon shows even though I don’t know what they’re saying or doing, I miss being innocent.

Those are just some childhood whims I dream of going back to. But sometimes, unconsciously, I see myself missing the old happy me. The kind of me where everytime I woke up in the morning, I’m going to thank everything because of the euphoric feeling when the morning sunlight kisses my face or when I’m commuting to school, I’m going to look around and appreciate and be awe because of hard-working people I see buzzing off the street because they are late for work or too busy running off errands and eventually see myself, wallowing on thoughts, seeing myself in their shoes,so busy yet happy, too occupied but still enthusiastic about what I do, too stressed but definitely happy on my state of life. I even used to appreciate and daydream everytime I passionately sip my morning cup of joe and to be frankly honest, I get excited and happy everytime I go to shower and groomed myself up because I love going somewhere looking good and fresh. I get a slight of happiness whenever I go to the city and get my hair cut, go shopping for new pants and clothes, go dine in and catch up with friends. Back then, simple things mean the world to me.

But somehow things have changed. I wake up every morning, looking at my clock and then going back to sleep because I can’t stand reality. I can’t stand that I’m living in the kind of life I never imagined I’d be living in. Somehow, reality became my nightmare and my dreams became a fiction. I’m kind of scared seeing myself becoming a person I never wanted to be; mediocre, lost in despair and in reality, lost of hope, lost of compassion, lost of faith, lost of dreams, lost of purpose in life.

Back when I was a child, I couldn’t wait to become an adult, I thought being an adult is so cool. I thought when you’re an adult you have the world, you can conquer everything, you’re free, you’re just living in a blissful state where nothing can ever go wrong. Now that I’m an adult, I see things the opposite way.

The only thing that make this struggle unbearable is that I’m a deep-thinker, I see things differently than other people. It’s both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because when I’m in my normal/happy state, I see everything positive, I always look at the brighter side, I never forced myself to become optimistic because it comes naturally. But it is a hell of a curse when I’m down, when I’m in pain because everything is darker than it really is, more painful than it’s actual state and everytime I force myself to become optimistic, it’s so much harder!

I’m gonna end this blog without any positive closure, not because I don’t see anything positive. I actually do, but right now, I’m all out of sugar-coated words to make things easier because in reality, it isn’t, It’s hard, it’s unfair and it’s going to stay hard and unfair until life gets tired of giving shits on me and finally misses the old happy me.

“That’s the thing about pain, It demands to be felt.” The Fault In Our Stars.

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