Day #19: Discuss Your First Love

Okay my first love happened in my grade school years. I don’t like to call it as first love, because I doubt that I know what loves is, that time.

Anyway, my puppy love starts when I’m in my 2nd grade. I was starstruck by her feminine personality and overt behavior, I saw her on my first day in 2nd grade on the front of the classroom, introducing herself to the class and every word she says sounds like an angel is talking to me. So, as she was standing in front of the class, I really don’t understand what she’s saying ’cause I’m just looking at her angelic face although I heard her say.

“Hi! Everyone, my name is Darlind” and the next word came out blur, but I didn’t mind, at least I know her name. My world feels like had been paused for a few hours with angels singing on my ears and feels like I’m in heaven or something. Okay! maybe I’m a bit exaggerating things, but definitely she’s like the cutest girl in my school ever!

Well, that’s also my downside. Every boy in my class like her, and as a child, I was quite timid, meek and shy and suffered on a very big inferiority complex. I was very different from the other boys in the class, which makes me feel like I really don’t have even a .001 percent on her.

Those days, she was sitting in the very left front of the class, near at my teacher’s table and the door and I’m sitting at the right side of the classroom, in the back. Every minute, I always see myself leaning and watching over her, thinking he’s looking at me too. But, No. She didn’t even accidentally swung her head on me. So I made a move for her to see me. I asked my teacher, “ma’am may I go out? I’m going to the CR.” then our professor said yes. So I stand up, walk over at the front, and when I’m near her table, I intentionally dropped off my eraser so I can have a moment in front of her. So I did, but when I look at her, she is not looking at me, she’s looking at my teacher and pretended like I didn’t exist or I’m like a ghost or something. It was an epic failure, so I just go out of the room and just sit for a few minuted on the door-side of our School’s Comfort Room.

Year passed by, I was content at just looking at her because I was too inferior to approach her because some rich, good-looking dudes are befriending and constantly on the look-out for her. So I think of a way I could be closer to her without approaching her directly. I eventually came up with a plan to befriend her cousin, which was also our classmate at that time. So me and Jaira became a close acquaintance, not friends. So everytime we talked, I always asked something about Darlind like, “Do you grow up together?” or “Does she have a boyfriend, did she ever had one?” something like that. I never admitted to Jaira that I have a huge crush on her cousin.

Then when I was on my 5th grade. On our first day, I was quite surprised that our teacher reshuffle the sitting arrangement and thank god! I was sitting right on her left side. I can’t think of anything back then, I don’t know what to do. Should I approach her? Should I ask how her summer vacation was? Should I ask how’s her day? and “Wait a minute, did she ever knew I existed?”

So I made a move, pretended I didn’t know her and asked her name. she said “Hi, I’m Darlind and you’re Jan, right?” and I was like “What the heeeckkk?! She know me! She know me!” that time I want to do my victory dance but pretended to be calm and put on a poker face and just said “Yes, oh right!, I think we’ve been classmates before, right?” and then the conversation went long. That time, putting on a poker face and pretending like she’s just some ordinary grade school girl was the hardest thing to do, way harder than my math subject that I barely pass.

Eventually we became friends, we talk to each other a lot and everytime we saw each other on the hallways we always exchanged Hi’s. There even came a time were we both eat lunch together and laughing off on some jokes that she’s trying to pull off. Then one day she confessed to me “I have a crush on Marvin, please help me.” (he is also an acquaintance and classmate of mine.)

That few words are like poison but I drank it and I said “sure, what do you want me to do?”. That was the craziest, most stupid thing I ever did, back then! I should just say “hell no!”. So I forced myself to help her out. Introduced her to him and eventually they became close friend.

When I was in 6th grade I can see them becoming more close than ever before. We also came to a point where she doesn’t even talk to me anymore, not even looking at me and all the time she’s talking, laughing, looking and just spending her life on Marvin, which totally suck by the way. So one day, when I was at the school’s CR, Marvin walked in and said “Dude, Me and Darlind are officially together! So cool, right?” and I just said “Yeah!” and put off a forced, sarcastic smile which I highly doubt he noticed.

I was at my senior year and didn’t even heard a word from her. She made me feel like I don’t exist in her world again. I graduated grade school, never even had a “hi!” from her. I was hurt, angry and feel betrayed that time. I thought she only befriended me so that she can bitch out with Marvin. I should have seen that coming, that after I help her, she’s just going to dump me in the trash like I am some kind of used tissue or something.

So yeah, it wasn’t a love story after all. It’s nothing. Right now, I can’t imagine I fell in love with a girl who doesn’t loved me back at all my grade school years. Not to spoil you or something, but the same thing happened on my high school year! Different girl, same tragic story. But the plotline is different and that’s on another blog!

I really am bad at flirting, Is there a manual for it?!