Day #26: An Area In Your Life You Want To Improve

SImply, my social aspect in life.

It’s kind of ironic to see yourself, an introvert, wanting to be good at socializing but you really don’t want to be an extrovert.In fact, I really hate very loud extroverts and I love my introversion. It saves me from feeling lonely when I am alone. It made me an independent person even as a child. It made me an observant, compassionate to other’s mistakes and compassionate in general.

Frankly speaking, being an introvert is the only thing that is natural to me. I never really knew how to draw until I get overly jealous on my classmate sitting behind me, because everytime she draws, my classmates clutter up around her like she was some kind of an A-list celebrity or something. I never knew how to write until my fellow gazette workers started showing and sharing their articles and mine looks like a 1st grade essay homework. I never knew how to blog until my friend shows it up to me and said that if I wanted to find my soulmate, I have to find them through blog because smart and compassionate people blog (doesn’t necessarily true, though.) I never knew how to speak in English fluently until my English teacher told me to go in front of the class and introduce myself fluently in English. I did nothing there, I just stuttered until my teacher felt ill, feel nauseous and told me to sit down. To sum it all up, everything I have know is auto-didact. Everything or most of the things I know now is something I tried hard to achieve and amplify.

But, the thing that until now I vaguely improved is my social skill. I really wanted to become an efficient speaker. Not the kind of speaker who gives speeches in front of hundreds and thousands of people, but like a speaker who is able to freely let go of his thoughts without filter. The kind of speaker who is like vomiting his feeling or emotions into words and all the people whom I talking to are just gonna stare at me with their mouth open and just completely comprehending what I really wanted them to comprehend. In reality, I completely do the opposite. I want to say something, but the words coming out is vague, mundane and easily misunderstood. I really wanted to become charismatic, though some people say it’s in the blood. Is it really? Is it really have to do with your physical appearance? well, maybe, because I saw some people who is very, very charismatic and they have this power to make people completely shut up and just listen to them. Even though their physical appearance isn’t something special but because of that appealing personality and characteristic they seem so HOT.

Is it really wrong to wish for something you don’t have? Or is it really just me who looks down to myself and think that I can never be that kind of person. Maybe I could alter some few things about me, but there is always going to be something in me that is unalterable. I am not asking for perfection, I am asking for a little life. You see, sucking at social gatherings and feel completely eerie in front of the crowd makes you look awkward, or gassy in the eyes of other people, when In reality you just want to say ‘hi’ and ‘how are you?’. It’s really depressing to see yourself walking out the door at a party and keep on thinking ‘I should have done this.’ ‘ I should have said that.’ It’s draining, because you really don’t know what to do because your mind is so loud and contains a lot of good thoughts but you’re mouth doesn’t cooperate and just choose to completely shut off. It’s like there is two soul in one body, one wants to become more loud and real while the other one just wanted to stay silent and let your mouth rot.

Right now, after lot’s of humiliation I finally learned to let go of my fear, I finally learned to let go of controlling my environment because It’s a waste of time.In reality, I really can’t change the external factors, some things that is outside of me, and I slowly learning to control on how I should feel. I am making a few changes in my life. I’m slowly coming out of my own comfort zone and try slowly to enter the danger zone. I forced myself on exploring the unexplored. Even though it’s really hard for me to socially interact in front of many people, I constantly pushed myself to do it, to try it because at the end of the day, it’s my own soul who’s going to thank me for the risks that I did. At the end of the day, it’s me who is going to benefit for it.