I Was A Mess and I’m So Sorry!

I can vividly remember how I was stalking you around our university, how I manage to know your schedule so I can take a peek on what you’re doing everyday. I remember very clear how I felt when I decided to kick my own ass and messaged you on facebook. I was thankful to myself when I did that, because I managed to take that risk and because of that we’ve been so close… so close, I thought it was just an illusion.

It was an utter euphoria when we first laid back together in my bed to watch movies, I can still remember how I badly wanted to synchronize my breath to yours like a complete psycho fan, I can still feel your arms rubbing around mine as we laugh and awed on the movies we watch. It was very delusional; It was a cloud-nine. It was everything I dreamed of when we held each other’s hand and kiss. Everything was fast but we didn’t care, we shut the world out and made one of our own.

I remember how utterly foolish and clumsy I was when you introduced me to your family, I fret that they might not like me, but they did… I really don’t know why but I felt that they’re trying their best to see and know the real me because you did, you made them see what kind of person you think I am. They accepted me because you accepted all of me. I can still feel the emotions I have caged all over my body when we slept together, I felt so loved when I woke up next to you, covering my body with your arms and legs like you didn’t want to let me go. I can still hear your breathing in my head, they sound so graceful and calm, I can feel in my heart that you felt so secure with me, and I was to you. That time was the time I know I love you but too afraid to show it.

Everything that happened was all I ever wanted with you. But I’m sorry. I’m so sorry if I was so scared to give everything I’ve got. I’m sorry for not spending time with you! I’m sorry if I was so fucking scared of what other people would think! I’m so sorry, If I didn’t give what you deserve! I’M SO SORRY!

I was blind not to see all your sacrifices for me, how you give over other things just to spend time with me. I was so blind not to see how bravely you fought for us, how you conquer society to scream to the world you’re so lucky to be with me. I’m sorry If I was just sulking around the corner while you’re fighting our battles, I’m sorry for taking you for granted when all you want to do is prove yourself to me. I’m so sorry for not being the kind of person you thought I was.  I’m so sorry if I let you fall in love with me on my most down moment.

I’m sorry if I went into your life without being prepared for it. I’m sorry if I gave you nightmares instead of dreams. I’m sorry if all I ever gave you was pain and suffering instead of love and happiness.

I’m so sorry if I let you go… but that was the only thing I know was right on that moment because I realized I was holding you back all along. I realized I was gripping you so hard that it destroys you. I realized I obliged you to make sacrifices for me when I know you shouldn’t.  I realized I was just so fucking selfish when I want you to die fighting our battles and was too afraid to be in that fight.

I’m so sorry If I was an utter mess.

I finally realized I don’t deserve someone like you… this time for real.

But I’m glad I did that because if I didn’t, you wouldn’t met him. The one who gave you what I didn’t. The one who truly makes you happy. It was painful on my part because that could be me if I was strong enough to fight for us. I am also grateful for you for being a lesson in my life, it was a bitter sweet memories we both have. I will carry it through me and always remember you. I know I couldn’t find myself someone like you, but at least when future comes and bring another person who would be more than happy to be with me, at the very least… I know how to fight; I know how to be strong and vulnerable at the same time.

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the time. Thank you for giving yourself to me and for that, you will always be in my heart.

Thank you for showing me that love isn’t always all cuddles and kiss, sometimes it could mean a lesson that will change your life forever.