We Have To Be Okay Not Being Okay

When I was in high school, I can clearly remember how much I wanted time to fast forward, times ten. I always caught myself daydreaming, looking at the sky thru the open window beside me. I can feel the warm breeze touch and caress my dull skin. The sky was blue with little to no clouds at all. It was perfect.

The scenery of the street below me was breathtakingly normal. Few people are passing by. Living their everyday life. Dogs are roaming around the pavement and the kid’s playground just across the street are full of happy careless kids. Basking in the great ambiance of daylight.

My days are mostly composed of tedious hours of daydreaming and fantasy.  I can barely remember what the teacher is actually trying to teach us. If you’re going to ask me now what did I learn in school besides 1+1=2, I have no fucking clue. That time I couldn’t care less. I just wanted the time to go fast. Graduate College and squeeze my way to the employment market and then everything’s going to be perfectly fine. At least, that’s how I convinced myself.

A lot of years after. Got my degree and now working. I guess, I wasn’t warned. No signs at all… or maybe I just chose to ignore those little yet intricate details in every adult I passed by. Maybe I wasn’t actually aware of what is happening on this world. On how actually depressing this mundane life everyone suffers from… far different from what we  envisioned it to be.

With our obsessed relationships on our social media accounts, it is pretty inevitable that our life is consumed by pictures. You know… a picture of a great body, a picture of places we have yet to discover, a picture of our future beau, a picture of perfectly crafted coffee art in Paris. We unknowingly feed our fantasy of life with this 1×1 pictures we see on the fake parallel universe behind our phone screen. We feel a pressure to conform and be like everyone else. It feels like if you’re not doing this, or not having these you’re missing out a lot in life. It’s depressing!

Or maybe it’s because of our compulsive need to watch movies which shows a better representation of life than the life per se. It’s disappointing, it’s awful to really see how the world is. A lot of people die. A lot of people starve. There’s a war going on and we don’t know what to do. And the icing on our cake is that we can barely do anything for ourselves despite millions of quotations and motivational speeches you can see on YouTube.

Maybe I’m just being a cynic. Maybe I’m just being one of those ‘young-adults and their constant depression.’ I don’t care.

God! It is cancerous.

I don’t know if these are insecurities, or not. But I believe we all have these blind beliefs or maybe blind appreciation over things and people. Like I can vividly remember how I was so jealous over my classmate’s car and wealth in elementary. He always invited me to hop-in in their car and drop me off near our block, his mother was driving. It happened almost always. Not too long, I discovered that he just invites me so he can find an escape, made me a shield so that his mother won’t reprimand him in front of me on how poor his grade was. Later, he shared that he was pressured to have a good grades because he needs to be an attorney someday, he needs to be one of the most outstanding student in our batch or at least that’s what his mother always told him.

I then figured out that not everything is not always what it seems. We might envy those iPhone7 everyone’s bragging about on social medias, little we know it was a hard-earned juice of their hard work. Envy of other people’s mansion or the countless gadgets and other stuff they own without ever knowing where the hell they got the money from.

The thing is, we are always exposed on the different aspects of other people’s highlighted life that we aren’t aware what was happening behind the scene.

We always have this never-ending war against insecurities.

We always create this drama in our life that we’re maybe not living our life to its fullest; that we’re missing on a lot of things. Maybe we want to be a lot of things but we can’t be because life itself keeps getting in the way. We always have this projection that life is always rainbows and sunshine. That when we’re depressed over something it means we’ve done something wrong or we haven’t done anything at all.

Well the truth is, we all have this mundane life, it’s part of life. Screw the false representation of life we see on movies! It doesn’t happen everyday.

When we’re down. It’s okay.When we’re intoxicated and can barely find our way home. It’s okay. When we are broke despite the sweats and body ache, it’s okay. We just have to keep on going through. No false pretense of motivational shit whatsoever because sometimes all you need is to accept life as it is. No sugar-coating.

Life is bullshit. There, I said it!

Now we have to do something about it. If you’re asking me how, I don’t know. I can’t figure my life as it is, too. I guess, we all are. I guess my only advice is to look for things that can be fixed and fix it, if not. Let it go. Accept it. It’s okay if we’re not complete, or insatiably dis-contented on our life.

We have to realize it’s okay not to be okay and there’s nothing wrong  with you.

Just keep breathing.